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2013
WAITING FOR GOODELLKrewe of Spank Delays the Game
NFL Fans Denied Lombardi Trophy on Game Day
New Orleans, Monday, February 4, 2013


The championship game and associated festivities of "The NFL Experience" of Superbowl XLVII went off without a hitch yesterday, save a disastrous series of events leading up to the absence of the Lombardi Trophy at the award ceremonies. NFL staffers spent the entire game scouring the city of New Orleans for NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, whose main role of the day was to present the trophy to the winning team. Goodell was seen disembarking his private jet in New Orleans, where he remains extremely unpopular following his suspensions of the Saints head coach Sean Payton, Defensive captain Jonathan Vilma, and several others.  

Witnesses report Goodell was first met in New Orleans by the official Super Bowl XLVII Security Team - a New Orleans based Krewe du Vieux subsidiary shell company the Krewe of SPANK Security Specialists  - a group highly regarded by the FBI since Hurricane Katrina.  He was immediately escorted by the group to a lavishly decorated mule-drawn carriage.  Armstrong airport baggage handlers overheard an argumentative Goodell repeatedly asking how long this would take and pointing to his watch. Goodell's official carriage driver, a man ironically wearing a Vilma jersey, stated that the mule drawn carriage was the preferred transport for VIP’s in the city.  Before Goodell could press the call button on his bluetooth headset and arrange alternate transportation, the driver snapped his mule into (slow) motion and the pair took off down Airline Highway amidst the wail of horns from irate motorists who, despite the sign posted on the back of the carriage, failed to observe the proper 15 foot spacing behind the vehicle. But it did not appear to faze the driver, who by all appearances was quite the professional.

Further investigation revealed multiple sightings of what one Lakeview man cryptically described as “a football player driving a carriage with a giant dick in the back” around the streets of New Orleans. Reports flooded into NOPD of a slow moving impediment to the city’s already sluggish and beleaguered traffic. Eyewitnesses saw the pair trundling along at dusk, bouncing down a section of Esplanade Ave. which, according to 79 year old Treme resident Wendell Eulac,e “hasn’t been paved in my lifetime. I didn’t think that carriage was going to make it.  And the man in back was NOT having himself a good time like the driver was. Oh that driver was just laughing and telling stories like he was having the time of his life”.  Time, it appeared, was quickly becoming important to Goodell, who, when diners at the Camellia Grill on Carrollton Ave watched him roll past, had missed the opening kickoff of the biggest football game of the year.  “I had to cover my little Jimmy’s ears” said one uptown mother “the man in the back of that carriage was shouting some of the most rude things I have heard this side of Canal street!  I guess that's why all those angry people were following him!”  True, by this point a large mob wielding pitchforks and torches had assembled and were trailing the carriage.  Eventually, this being New Orleans, a brass band materialized and a party erupted in the street.  Taken by surprise (again) but not wanting to be accused of being anti-second line (again) NOPD quickly dispatched a cruiser, with lights flashing, to accompany the growing crowd, whose purpose was apparently as vague to the city of New Orleans as it was to the majority of revelers behind the band.

By the time Beyoncé took the stage for halftime, residents of Mid-City were seen throwing eggs, oyster shells and lawn furniture at the panic stricken NFL commissioner, who by this point had begun to suspect that his Vilma jersey wearing driver may in fact be suspended thorn-in-his-side Jonathan Vilma. However, Goodell appeared less afraid of his driver than he was of the raucous entourage surrounding the carriage, as his SPANK security escorts appeared to be as intoxicated as the rest of the entourage.  It seems that the Commissioner had no choice but to clutch the Lombardi trophy tight against his Armani-clad breast and undoubtedly mentally draft edict after edict condemning this affront to good clean football.

We all know who won the game, but one day few people will remember the champion of Superbowl XLVII.  What nobody will forget for a long time will the be the confused look on the face of the Superbowl XLVII MVP when some anonymous staffer approached him with the unenviable job of delivering the news that Commissioner Goodell had not yet arrived with the coveted Lombardi Trophy. Indeed, long after the TV reporters had given up filling the air with empty words, long after the confetti had fallen, and long after fans had adjourned to Bourbon street (where they saw a crowd surrounded carriage and thought a Superbowl parade was happening) that the embattled commissioner finally made it to a darkened and largely quiet Superdome. “Sorry I’m late, the Superdome. was so far from the airport, and my driver, well lets not talk about him” he said, red in the face and covered with the detritus of the French Quarter. “I have no idea why everybody in New Orleans is so angry,” Goodell added with his trademark look of mystified authority.  He then walked out of the Superdome., waving off a grinning carriage driver who offered to take him back to the airport, and, apparently afraid of a his time being hijacked yet again, eschewed the waiting limousines. Roger Goodell was last seen by Superdome. loading dock workers, climbing into a United Cab. He hasn’t been seen since. The United Cab company declined to comment for this article. Anyone with information regarding the whereabouts of the NFL commissioner is encouraged to keep it to themselves.

 

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