Krewe of SpanK

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2014
Mitchey Mouse and and Mitchkateers in the Gentrified Kingdom of Dizneylandrieu

OUR TRIP TO “DIZNEYLANDRIEU” (I feel like a local already!)
By Donna Jones, mommy blogger extraordinaire

A trip to Dizneylandrieu had been a family dream of ours for years. My husband and I had taken a trip there when we were a lot younger. Gosh, we had so much fun on the Main Bourbon Street with all the other conventioneers! But, it certainly wasn’t the kind of place for children! Then much to our surprise, over the past few years we started seeing all these amazing TV commercials and glossy magazine ads. You know, the ones paid for by the oil company BP, about how it was different down there now that they had generously infused millions of dollars into the place. From what I heard, a new man had been put in charge after that horrible natural disaster - someone who really understood what a visiting family wants from a destination: Wholesome fun and education by day and a safe place to unwind without the kids at night.

So we decided to take the plunge! We bought an all-inclusive family vacation package that included airfare, hotel, a ghost tour, and an authentic swamp tour - FOR A SONG! All we had to do was attend a presentation on a high rise timeshare condo on the Mississippi riverfront. We thought it would be painful, but there was free child care and the PowerPoint was accompanied by a live native zydeco band! And the high rises were beautiful – just like Miami!  We thought the neighborhood, called the “Foburg Mariny” might be a little too edgy for us Midwesterners but after a few free cocktails hubby got brave and asked about it. The nice man reassured us the neighborhood wasn’t edgy but up and coming. A great investment. We still didn’t sign anything

Anyhoo, when we landed that first morning these nice people from BP greeted us with colorful plastic beads - right off of the airplane! We ended up wearing them everywhere we went in their beautiful but run down little “French Quarter”. Of course, once we dropped off the bags, I bee-lined to a Starbucks on Canal Street for a vanilla mocha frappachino (FTW!). Then we took a horse-drawn carriage ride through the streets, listening to the colorful street musicians. Afterwards, we had stand in line for the special donuts at Cafe du Monde. Our matching t-shirts ended up positively covered with powdered sugar! (I just had to complain to the manager about how sticky the floors were though. Yuck!) That night we went on the ghost tour and then returned to the hotel early so we would be fresh for the swamp tour in the morning, when we took a bus for what seemed like forever away for some reason. Unfortunately, once we got there everything was brown and we didn’t see a single croc!

After that, the vacation went by like a blur! We saw lots of music at night (including a great Jimmy Buffet cover band!) on the underground “locals Bourbon Street” called Frenchman Street, sans kidlets, of course. We ate tasty jambalaya and even an outrageous “cajun” take on meatloaf. Wild meals! There were lots of cute little shops with T-shirts that said clever things like “I put ketchup on my ketchup”. In one store my husband bought a zydeco cd and a hot sauce it turns out is way too hot for us. Shopping aside, our favorite thing was joining in on the free daily “second line” – an afternoon parade with a horn band that winds through the French Quarter. They gave us white Carnival Cruise Lines hankies to wave in the air every time! OMG so much fun! Even the kids had a blast!

On our final morning, while standing in line at Starbucks, we started chatting with a local man about the Crew du Voo parade that night. We decided that a parade was a great way to end our trip, so we said, what the heck, lets go. The man in the line even had some extra tickets, so we bought them for only $25 bucks! Well, I wish we hadn’t, because let me tell you, it wasn’t at all what I expected from Dizneylandrieu. Shame on them! The parade was LOUD and VILE. Grandma’s hearing aid broke from the noise and she almost had a heart attack when she saw a giant male private part coming down the street. I was just glad the kids were too young to get most of the jokes, many of which I wasn’t sure I got myself. The parade even made fun of people like the President and their governor and one float, from the obscenely named the Crew of SPANK, made fun of Mitch, the Mayor of Dizneylandrieu, which I didn’t think was appropriate AT ALL. AND, they perverted some of my favorite childhood characters into sex jokes. (I had a lot of explaining to do later because the kids actually thought that part was funny. Grrrrr.) To top it off, the locals in the crowd were almost as drunk as the people in the parade, some of whom behaved like they were quite possibly on drugs. We barely got through the first half hour before we went back to the safety of our hotel, where we ordered more cajun meatloaf and watched The Skeleton Key on Pay-Per-View.

Despite the horrible parade hiccup, we had an excellent time at Dizneylandrieu. And I know this may come as a shock to you – it definitely shocks our relatives – but we just put a down payment on the riverfront high rise! I know, I know! We were completely against it when we got back to Dubuque. We made a vow not to answer any follow up calls, but we felt bad about avoiding them, so we said we just couldn’t take part because of the Crew du Voo. They said, “Let us worry about that. With all the money we’re putting into the area in the next few years, building streetcars and new glass towers, you can bet their local, lowbrow days are numbered.” And we can definitely live with that! So, if any of you are interested in becoming our timeshare neighbors, leave a comment below and I’ll reply with more info. The numbers actually make a lot of sense!




 

©2012 Krewe of SPANK