So here is the deal, you’re on foot in a costume, loaded down with stuff, walking through dark streets packed with drunks demanding and grabbing at your junk, a brass band and a cranky mule for three hours or so…

First, tricking out your costume.

By all means trick out the basic costume with whatever floats your boat, but keep this in mind, you will be jostled, pushed, and squeezed at times. Any costume trickery, hat augmentation, or accessorizing should either live comfortably around a body part or be sewed or wired on, not pinned or taped. Otherwise it will have a very short life as it is trampled under the feet of a trombone player. Things that stick out WILL be repeatedly hit, bumped, and grabbed at. Another thing to consider is it is pretty dark on those streets, so lighted, blinky and reflective things work great. I always pick up a bunch of blinking LED stuff and glow stick type things to add some flash.

ID’s and valuables

Anything you have with you has a good likelihood of going AWOL along the way, so leave anything of value at home. ID, insurance card and any cash should go in a pouch around your neck INSIDE your costume. Since we will not be returning to the staging area at the den, jackets, coats and non-valuable whatnot left there will stay there. You can pre-deposit such items at the ball site for later use. While taking it along and putting it on the float might seem like a good place, there have actually been coats pilfered off the float in the past. Best bet? Leave the nice jacket, etc. at home and bring things you wouldn’t be heartbroken if lost.

Next, throws

Our most illustrious and unabashedly outlandish mother Krewe is taking a dimmer and dimmer view on beads. Environmental concerns aside, they fall on the street and make lovely tripping hazards for you and the other sub-krewes, and they are heavy (remember that carrying everything bit?). Rumor has it the Mother Krewe puts the few bead throwing sub-krewes at the back of the bus…er parade with good reason.

That being said…If you want to haul a wagon/cart/backpack full of beads, go right ahead. Just remember, you are solely responsible for your wagon/cart/hernia. My two cents…Carts and wagons do not play well with French Quarter streets, and you are not going to get much sympathy from people who have walking into it and tripping over it all night when it tips over after hitting the C. Ray Nagin memorial pothole. 

But its fracking Mardi Gras! If you really want to, and I often throw (hand out, actually) some beads that work with our theme. Generally the nicer medallion type that come packaged in bags, or ones I’ve packaged myself work best. Also, the French Quarter Crowds can get pushy, grabby and sometimes quite dickish, demanding you shower them with Endymion quantities of beads. Tossing a few into the crowd is a good distraction. More on crowds later… I also pick up a couple of smallish kids toy type throws. There will be kids on the route especially in the Marigny so you will not have to carry them long.

The Spank themed items are always a good bet. Bumper stickers are always in demand. The mother Krewe sells goofy Guy themed cups, wooden nickels, coozies, coasters and whatnot. These a great items to fill you bag with. Nickels and coasters are small and light and seem to last forever.

Carrying all this

If you have taken my advice and left the Schweggman cart at home, you will need a bag you can reach into it blindly, in the dark, in a rush, while moving. Organize your stuff simply and toss a couple of glow sticks inside so you can see. While marching keep your bag to the INSIDE of the parade at all times. People will reach into anything looking for cheap Chinese made crap, bags, the float, even your pants, really. Shit, they’ll pull things off your costume.

I have a cheap boxy gym bag with shoulder strap. I put some cardboard divers inside. This keeps the throws separated for as long as possible and the bag from sagging and everything mixing together. The SPANK bags and backpacks that often come with the costume pack are a good option, too. Fanny packs are spectacular for the smaller print type throws, nickels, etc.

We will have storage for extra throws on the float for a Spank bag of extra throws, but you are not going to be able to repeatedly go to it. The best time is when the float has come to a stop but you can never be sure when that might be. Hit it up about 2/3 of the way through and restock. Also, remember that blindly, in the dark bit and have your stash organized and ready to go.

The Parade and throwing all this shit

Some of the real fun is interacting and getting the crowd participating in the joke, but the crowds vary a lot along the route. Organize and toss your throws accordingly.

The best stretch in most people’s opinion is in the Marigny. The clever, themed items are really appreciated. Frenchman is usually mobbed, and last year had barricades which kept the masses at bay The French Quarter along Decatur usually has more locals in the mix, but expect some of the obnoxiousness to start.

Find a very easily recognizable spot a few blocks from the end of the parade to be your cue to begin divesting yourself of anything you have left with reckless abandon.

Friends and Compañero’s

The parade runs on time, which is always way too fast. Keep your hellos and exchanges short or you will be doing a lot of running to catch up. If you luck out and it’s during a stop, be warned, when it the parade starts, it will kick into gear immediately. And it always happens, you will find your long lost whoever on the route and not be able to pull anything of your bag but a bent coaster. If you have a way, separate some of your best “friend” throws into a separate pocket or area of your throw bag away from the rest of your general stuff.

Spankuary

Our non-marchers will be set up on the Elysian Fields neutral ground at Royal (river side), with beer and best of all bathroom privileges. Feel free to direct friends and family to catch the parade here. You’ll have a much better chance of connecting with them, and they’ll have a much better time than being just some slob on the street. Hopefully, we will not be moving too fast at this point. But please: Let Andy and Megan know they are coming and have them bring something (preferably more than a bag of chips and a six pack). Even better tell them to help break it down after the parade.

Trash…very important!

Please note that unlike the big boys, Krewe du Vieux does not have the full bore OPP trash brigade following us. Stash your trash in whatever you have your throws in. And prep i.e. unwrap, remove from the bags, etc. your throws so you’ll be left with a minimum to deal with along the way. There will be trash cans on the float.

Refs and others

We will have eight very good refs to help us along this year identifiable by their shirts. They have jobs to do; crowd control, keeping us and the band moving, keeping those grabby assholes away from the float, keeping KdV wanna-be’s out, etc. so let them do it. That being said, they are working for us, so if you have a problem, they are there to help.

Booze and Safety

There will be beer for the Krewe on the float, along with other consumables. Help yourself. I prefer hard stuff, less liquid to recycle. I use a plastic water bottle in a koozie thing that clips to my belt. Again, leave the fancy flask at home. Pace yourself; you want a nice buzz along the way.

There are no official facilities along the way, but we have a few “friends of Spank” locations where one can stop if necessary and you can manage to run off and get back in the dark through a crowd, at night, etc.  Best idea is to go beforehand (duh) and plan on holding it.

Pace yourself and take a few breaks. Step back from the crowds into the middle of the group, sort your throws, watch the mayhem, listen to the band, and just take in the madness. There are complete assholes out there that will get in your face. If you’ve got one, ignore them and move to another spot. If the crowds are getting obnoxious, and it will, move to the middle for a while. Remaining unfazed and riotously happy is the best revenge, anyway.

Very simple…Do not fuck with the Mule.

Unfortunate Events:

If you’ve had a little too much, and it’s happened to nearly everyone at some point, the first thing to do is to stop drinking. You will be surprised how you quick you can regain your legs and finish up in good shape. Should you step on that string of beads, trip over the Mitchell Joseph Landrieu memorial broken water meter cover, or otherwise take a spill, there is a first aid kit on the float. More serious stuff will be dealt with by the Captains and Dr. Chris Voigt the designated safety person.

SALAD

Everyone marching is required to read, sign and abide by the SALAD document. Spanking should be gentle and only by consent. Be mindful where you stick stickers on on-lookers. A buxom blond my present herself by sticking our her chest, but play it safe and aim closer to her shoulder. If you see someone who is getting close to crossing the line, give them a gentle reminder of “SALAD.” If some one is violating SALAD, locate Chris Summa and Peter to ejected the violator. If your Krewe mate says “SALAD” to you, check yourself or risk being ejected from the parade and the Krewe.

Lastly:

Put your name on anything and everything you bring and want to go home with you (this goes for the den as well). Things get moved, picked up by mistake, etc. and if your name is on it or SPANK is on it, there’s a better chance it will find it’s way back to you.